Built By Feedback, Not Flattery

Built by Feedback, Not Flattery

I have always been a huge advocate of something called a 360 blind assessment. It's the concept of giving those you live or work closely with an opportunity to give feedback on how well you operate as a person.

Because it’s anonymous, people are free to speak honestly, without fear of tension or fallout. I've always thought it was a healthy practice to employ into your life to identify blindspots and grow yourself as a person..... until now. Now I feel like it's a copout.

I'm in the middle of reading "No Rules Rules" by Erin Meyer and Reed Hastings (the founder of Netflix). In the book they describe how Netflix is known for creating a culture of candid feedback...and I'm blown away at the level of candor they solicit.

Here is a compelling story that illustrates Netflix's culture of candid feedback: During a presentation, an employee named Rose was struggling to engage her audience in a full board room meeting. Recognizing this, a colleague (from the back of the room) intervened mid-presentation to provide immediate, constructive feedback. The colleague called out:

“Rose! This isn't working! You are losing the room! You sound defensive! You're talking too fast. You're not listening to the questions. You're repeating yourself without addressing the concerns. Take a deep breath. You need the room.”

Can you imagine.....giving a presentation in front of a team of people you're trying to impress and convince... then this happens? This isn't just a one off, this is Netflix 24/7. This challenges everything I know about how to handle correction and feedback....and I'm loving it.

Another involves Rochelle King, who was a creative product director at Netflix in 2010. During a meeting led by CEO Reed Hastings, Patty McCord made a comment that Reed disagreed with. Reed responded with visible irritation and sarcastically dismissed her comment, causing a collective flinch among the attendees. Rochelle felt that this reaction was not a great leadership moment and decided to address it.

That evening, Rochelle composed an email to Reed, expressing her concerns about his dismissive tone and how it might discourage others from speaking up in the future. She emphasized the importance of creating an environment where people feel encouraged to contribute, even in dissent.

Reed appreciated the feedback, acknowledged his misstep, and encouraged Rochelle to continue providing candid feedback whenever necessary. In addition he copied the email and forward it out to the whole company! This is the CEO!! Admitting mistakes and encouraging correction from his subordinates.

As I sat reading this...I was heavily encouraged and at the same time distraught. Maybe this is a common practice in your environment. Personally, in most circles I've operated in, this type of communication (especially towards leadership) would fall flat.

Few have scraped the surface but if I'm honest, most would leave someone crumbled in the fetal position crying on the floor, or generate an irate defensive response reflecting someone's ego that's been damaged severely.

Now all these examples are in a corporate setting but imagine the same reality in everyday life. You're at a dinner table with the rest of your family. Your older son has been irritable and distracted for weeks, snapping at people and avoiding meaningful conversation. Tension is building, and your younger daughter finally speaks up.

“Daniel, can I just say something? You’ve been really short with everyone lately. Tonight, you barely looked up from your phone. I know something’s probably going on, but it’s starting to feel like we’re just... in your way. We miss you. I miss you. You don’t have to talk about it right now, but we’re your family, not your punching bag.”

These examples seem so out of place and far fetched, but this is what healthy communication sounds like. So why do we not do it? It's because we are afraid of conflict and would rather take the easier route. We've been trained our whole life, if we do need to correct someone, to take them in a separate room and address it in private and people rarely do even that.

Why is that? Is this type of practice what has caused self-images and egos to become increasingly fragile over time? Are we weakening our ability to handle honest correction by shielding ourselves from it too often? There may be some truth to this.

I recently called a close friend and asked them directly if they saw anything in me that was a blindspot. "I want you to let me know if you see mindsets or practices that are not beneficial to me or those around me."

Their delivery was caring and even prefaced a ton to soften the blow. Their critique was beneficial and really not even that big of a deal and yet... I found myself still biting down hard on my teeth and not letting my emotions rise up. This was solicited input! Imagine if it was delivered without preface, and in front of a dozen people?

This newsletter is different than usual as this revelation is coming out in real time for me and I'm just passing it on to you. This direct approach to feedback is not only extremely healthy but I'm realizing something I really want to employ. If anything I want to challenge you to learn to take feedback better. The benefits are endless.

1. Accelerated Personal Growth

Spot blind spots faster.
Avoid months of repeating bad habits.
Evolve quicker, in skills and self-awareness.

2. Deeper Trust in Relationships

Honesty builds respect, even when it stings.
People know where they stand.
No guessing. No hidden resentment.

3. Higher Team Performance

Normalized feedback closes performance gaps.
Teams move faster with fewer politics.
People feel safe correcting course midstream.

4. A More Resilient Culture

Emotional toughness improves.
Feedback doesn’t derail people, it sharpens them.
Growth becomes the norm, not the exception.

5. Less Drama, More Direction

Direct talk replaces passive-aggression.
Problems are addressed, not avoided.
More clarity. Less eggshell-walking.

I think part of the reason I’m so drawn to this is because I already lean toward this style of communication. But just because I’m comfortable giving feedback doesn’t mean I’m equally strong at receiving it. That’s where the real work begins.

So here’s my plan: I’m going to build the muscle. I’ll deliberately schedule one-on-one conversations with people I trust and invite them to give it to me straight. No preface, no fluff. Just the truth. Then I’ll practice staying grounded, listening deeply, and letting it change me.

Because I don’t just want to be known for giving honest feedback, I want to be someone who grows because of it.

So here I am, sitting with this tension between what I’ve always believed and what I’m beginning to see. That maybe love looks less like soft deliveries and more like strong mirrors. Maybe growth isn't in the shelter but in the stretch.

The next version of me.....wiser, clearer, lighter is waiting on the other side of a sentence I might not want to hear. I want to get there. I want to live in the light, even when it stings. If truth is the cost, I’m ready to pay it.

Today’s Forced Challenge: I want you to FORCE yourself to attack at least one of these challenges

1. The Mirror Ask: Ask one person you trust: “What’s one thing I do that I’m unaware of, but might be holding me back?” Don’t explain. Don’t justify. Just receive.

2. The Kind Cut-In: In a meeting or group conversation, kindly interrupt when you see something off-track. Speak the truth with grace. “Can I offer a thought? I think we might be missing the heart of the issue here…”

3. The Self-Audit: Write down the last three pieces of feedback you received (solicited or not). What did you do with them? Did you grow from them, or get defensive?

4. The “Hard Thing” Share: Share feedback with someone you’ve been avoiding. The hard thing you’ve been holding back, say it this week, in kindness and honesty.

5. The Gratitude Loop: Thank someone who gave you hard feedback in the past. Let them know how it shaped you. This turns critique into legacy, and invites more truth in the future.

Let's not be held hostage by ego or afraid of mirrors. The one who doesn’t flinch at truth but welcomes it like a friend. Growth won’t always knock politely. Sometimes it shows up unannounced, with blunt words and clear eyes. But if we let it in, if we stay soft while hearing hard things, we don’t just grow. We become unshakable. Not because we’re perfect, but because we’re real and real is where the good stuff lives.

"You’ll never become who you’re meant to be if you only hear what you want to hear." — Craig Groeschel

Comments

Share Your ThoughtsBe the first to write a comment.