The Illusion of Control
If you've found someone in bondage, you've found someone who won't let go.....of control.
I'm not referring to the type-A personality, I'm talking about all of us. What we cling to when we’re afraid. What we lose when we won’t let go. Control isn’t all bad. Although it can be dangerous when we don't understand it's value, or it's pitfalls. Control is either a tool or a trap.
As a trap:
Fear Masquerading as Control
We don’t grab for control because we’re strong, we grab for it because we’re scared. Most control issues are just fear in a different outfit. We fear rejection, so we assume instead of engage. We fear pain, so we try to suppress others. We fear failure, so we tighten our grip on the process.
This is why you see anger rise up in people as they lose control. That anger is often misunderstood as well. It’s not the problem, it’s a symptom.
Anger is the overflow of something quieter underneath: the fear I mentioned, hurt, sadness, or shame. When you see anger in yourself or others, the work isn’t to shut it down, it’s to listen. To find the root of it. To validate the pain, not fix the behavior. That’s how control starts to lose its grip. We don't need to control, we need to heal.
Controlling Others = Losing Yourself
When you haven’t learned to control yourself, the instinct is to manage everything and everyone around you. You think keeping things tight will bring peace, but it usually brings pressure. The problem isn’t out there, it’s inside.
Unchecked emotions, buried fear, and old experiences from childhood can shape how you react without you even knowing it. So you try to fix people. But that’s not love, it’s control. And the more you try to control others, the more you lose clarity on who you are.
Real growth starts when you stop outsourcing your stability and start owning your responsibility. You can't lead your life well if you're always trying to lead everyone else's.
The separator between control being a tool or a trap really is centered on who you're trying to control. Yourself or others.
As a tool:
Self-Control is Your Superpower
Self-control is where real strength lives. You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond and that choice is everything. Self-respect is built in those quiet, daily moments where you say no to what’s easy and yes to what’s right.
It’s not a one-time decision; it’s a daily battle. You don’t win yourself over once, you do it again and again, one day at a time. And while self-control can be trained and strengthened, it can also be worn down. It’s an exhaustible resource, which means how you rest, what you think about, and where you focus all matter. Mastering your life starts with mastering you.
Emotional Control (Stability) is Everything The definition of emotional instability is worrying about things you have zero control over. How much time do you spend every day worrying about things you can't control? What someone thinks? The price of items? The weather? Things that might happen? This approach to processing your day cultivates a mental rollercoaster of emotions.
People tend to give their attention to whatever screams at them the loudest and it's rarely what's most important. A short list of mantras that will keep you from this pattern:
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If it doesn't matter 5 years from now, it doesn't matter now
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Everyone deserves the right to grow. If you're going to take that from them, then they can take it from you, and we all need it.
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Let them. If they disagree, let them. If they don't like you, let them. If they do it differently then you would, let them.
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Read. Your own inner thoughts lead to confirmation bias of how you feel. Outside input is paramount to emotional control.
Control the Controllables
You can’t control people, and the more you try, the more frustrated you’ll become. What you can do is empower them and yourself, by focusing on what’s actually within your reach. Control the process, not the results.
Control your time, your focus, your habits, your inputs. Let go of the rest. Because control, when misused, leads to burnout. But clarity? Clarity creates momentum. The higher you go in life or leadership, the more tempting it is to tighten your grip, but real growth comes when you trust more, not when you control more.
Today’s Forced Challenge: I want you to FORCE yourself to attack at least one of these challenges
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Let Go of One Outcome: Pick one situation you normally obsess over and consciously decide to release control of the outcome. Observe what happens.
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Delegate One Task: Give responsibility for a task you usually control tightly to someone else. Notice your feelings about letting go and the results.
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Track Your Reactions: For one day, write down every time you feel triggered or lose control. Reflect on what caused it and how you responded.
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Control Your Language: Replace phrases like “I’m afraid” with “I’m feeling fear.” Notice how this subtle shift changes your emotional response.
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Create a Boundary: Identify one area where you tend to overextend control (work, relationships, etc.) and practice stepping back intentionally.
Control is a delicate paradox. Like a surgeon’s scalpel, it can carve away what holds us back or cut too deep and cause pain. It demands intention and care, a steady hand willing to sharpen its edge through practice and patience.
When you learn to master control over yourself, you become a force to be reckoned with: calm yet powerful, precise yet compassionate. True control isn’t about tightening your grip, it’s about knowing when to hold on and when to let go, using your strength to heal, to build, and to inspire.
“You cannot always control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside.” — Wayne Dyer