Expectations Unpacked
The other day my daughter was acting out. I told her that she needs to get her act together and from here on out there will be no warnings. Swift discipline! She said "Yeah, I've had like 400 warnings!"
Not my proudest parenting moment. The truth is, I had set very poor expectations and in return was receiving very poor results. That being said, expectations can be a tricky thing.
Shakespeare once said "The root of all heartache is improper expectations". What an incredible and on-point observation. The more I've ruminated on this thought the deeper it has become part of my decision making process.
So how do you set expectations? Setting expectations is actually pretty easy, although it is common practice to not do so. Why is that? For a multitude of reasons including fear of sounding controlling, it adds complexity to any situation, people want people to like them, or because they don't want to deal with the emotional response that other people will have in response to them. (Case in point, my daughter.)
Without expectations set there is no context to any given relationship, event, or transaction. No context=Chaos. Now what I call chaos may feel like every day life to you. Arguments with your spouse, kids acting crazy, colleagues taking advantage of you and so on. Setting expectations levels the chaos and brings order to your life. If all this sounds normal to you, ask yourself what expectations you're communicating. What boundaries you are setting?
Without going too deep. Some simple bullet points on setting good expectations: Clear. Specific. Realistic. Value Driven. Flexible when appropriate.
How do you go about meeting expectations? Meeting expectations is achieved through active listening, intentional effort, and what really matters.... caring about the source of those expectations.
Before you can meet any expectation, you need to truly understand what is being asked. Active listening is a powerful tool in this process because it allows you to capture the full scope of the expectation, including nuances that might not be immediately clear.
Meeting expectations requires a focused, purposeful effort. This goes beyond simply doing the minimum required to fulfill the request. It’s about showing you’re invested in not just meeting but exceeding those expectations when possible.
Ultimately, meeting expectations isn't just about the task itself, it's about understanding the human behind the expectation. Whether it’s a colleague, client, or loved one, understanding the person or group’s values, motivations, and challenges allows you to approach their expectations with empathy and care.
Last but not least, how do you manage your own expectations? One of the most difficult things to master is how to handle unmet expectations. The difficulty of a bad transaction, the heartbreak of a relationship hurt, or the disappointment of an experience that ended poorly.
The short answer is disappointing. Lower your expectations. I know that's not something you want to hear. In reality though, it is inevitable that people will fall short of your expectations. The less you expect from others, the less you will be disappointed. That being said, while this is the most effective action you can take, it's impossible to drop your expectations to the floor.
Here are other tactics to maneuver difficult results:
Shift Focus to the Process, Not Just the Outcome: Instead of being fixated on the result, invest your energy in enjoying the journey. Appreciate the learning and growth that comes from the process, which can help mitigate disappointment when the expected outcome doesn’t materialize.
Practice Radical Acceptance: Embrace the idea that things won’t always go as planned. This doesn't mean giving up or not caring, but rather accepting reality as it is, without unnecessary resistance. It helps you become more adaptable and less emotionally attached to specific outcomes.
Develop a Growth Mindset: Cultivate the belief that failures or unmet expectations are opportunities for growth rather than reflections of personal inadequacy. This shift in perspective helps to normalize setbacks as part of the process.
Minimize the Emotional Investment in Expectations: Learn to invest less emotionally in what could happen. If you don’t pour too much emotional energy into the expected outcome, you can better weather the emotional impact when things don’t go as planned.
Speaking of this last one. I feel like there is a disconnect when people say "you get what you expect". You hear that and then reality reminds you that expectations will often not be met. The gap that's missing is about managing the tension between expectations and acceptance, while still maintaining effort and intent.
Expectations are not the same as attachments.
Expectations are about setting a vision or goal. They're not necessarily the problem. The issue arises when you become attached to the outcome, where the expectation becomes a source of stress, disappointment, or self-judgment if it’s not met.
Setting high expectations is vital for pushing yourself forward, but detaching emotionally from the outcome is key. Whether it's the lofty business goal or perfect relationship dream, you can aim high, but the real goal is to be fully invested in the process, regardless of the result.
The gap here is in the balance of ambition and acceptance, you can aim high, but without being overly attached to the result.
The gap you’re missing may come down to the fact that expectation and acceptance are not opposites. You can expect to succeed while also being open to learning from the unexpected. The real trick is holding your goals with conviction and clarity, but allowing for flexibility in how those goals unfold. This gives you both the drive to aim high and the resilience to handle the reality that those high expectations might not always manifest as planned.
Expectations are a blessing and curse. The way you see and apply them will define how they affect your life. The benefit is, it's your choice to make. Just know you are in control.
Today’s Forced Challenge: I want you to FORCE yourself to attack at least one of these challenges:
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Clarify Expectations: This week, before taking action, make sure to explicitly clarify expectations with anyone you're working with...whether it's a client, partner, or colleague. No assumptions!
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Document Expectations: Write down your personal or professional expectations for one key project or relationship. Review them at the end of the week to evaluate if they were met or if adjustments need to be made.
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Manage Disappointment: The next time an expectation goes unmet, spend a few minutes reflecting on how you can handle it differently. This week, choose one instance where disappointment occurred and practice managing your reaction.
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Evaluate Boundaries: Identify one relationship or situation where you’ve been too lenient with your boundaries. Set clear expectations for how you will enforce them this week and follow through.
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End-of-Week Reflection: At the end of the week, take 10 minutes to reflect on the expectations you set, the ones you met, and those that fell short. Ask yourself what you learned and how you can improve moving forward.
In the dance of expectations, we often find ourselves caught between desire and reality, between the vision we hold and the unpredictable path ahead. But the real beauty lies not in the perfect meeting of expectations, but in the grace with which we navigate the journey. We set our sights high, yet we must learn to walk with open hands, not clenched fists, accepting what comes while still striving for more.
The balance of ambition and acceptance is not a contradiction, but a rhythm that moves us forward with resilience and purpose. In the end, expectations may guide us, but it is our response to the unexpected that will shape the peace in our life.
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." – Alexander Pope