Don’t Let Your Feelings Tell You What to Do
"I want another snack!" my five year old daughter Lily yells from the kitchen. She has developed this habit of grabbing a snack before bed, which is no big deal, but this time she wanted a second. I put my foot down letting her know that it was not going to happen, and off to bed we went.
We have a routine where my wife reads with her and then I come in and lay with her for a bit before she goes to sleep. She ALWAYS snuggles in tight and asks me questions and we talk about her day. As I climbed in her little sleigh bed she rolled over with her back to me. "Are you mad at me?" I asked. "Yes." She responded softly, "You wouldn't let me have another snack.". The conversation went on:
Me: I bet if you come over here and let me snuggle you, you won't be.
Lily: How am I supposed to do that if I'm already mad??
Me: Well... I don't think it's best to let your feelings tell you what to do. If you let your feelings tell you what to do you may miss out on getting to snuggle with me.
Lily: Your snuggles aren't that good. You can leave Daddy.
Me: Do you want me to give you a hug and a kiss goodnight?
Lily: Not tonight Daddy.
I got up and went downstairs and I let my wife know what was going on. My wife went in to check on Lily and Lily told her she needed to get up and tell me something. She came down the stairs and gave me a big hug and said "I'm sorry Daddy. I love you."
If you're a girl dad....good luck. This was an abbreviated version of the conversation, the phrase "I don't think it's best for you to let your feelings tell you what to do." was uttered multiple times, and in fact has become a staple piece of conversation when navigating a little girl struggling with how she feels.
So here is the question. How often do you let your feelings tell you what to do, as an adult? I believe there is a distinct difference between emotions and feelings. Lets take a look:
e·mo·tion/əˈmōSH(ə)n/
nounplural noun: emotions
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a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.
feel·ing/ˈfēliNG/
nounplural noun: feelings
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an emotional state or reaction."a feeling of joy"
If you feed AI the question of "what is the difference between feeling and emotion?" this the response you get: emotions are the initial, often unconscious, physiological and psychological responses to a stimulus, while feelings are the conscious interpretation and experience of those emotions, shaped by thoughts and context.
Notice how the definition of emotion is described as instinctive? Then feelings is defined as a reaction? Then look at the AI description. This is exactly how I interpret it. Emotions are an unconscious response that are crafted from past experiences where feelings are a conscious interpretation of that emotion.
The part to highlight here is the fact that emotions are unconscious, meaning you don't really have control over them, but feelings are conscious, which means you have a choice on what to do with them.
Back to the question of "How often do you let your emotions tell you what to do?" This is an important question to ask yourself as you may not realize how much this effecting your life and overall reality.
As an example, you hear the stories of children growing up in a home with an alcoholic father. That reality will cultivate many emotions as they grow into adulthood. Why is it that one child grows up and uses that emotion to drive them to never drink and fuel them to a successful life, while the other sibling allows that emotion to steer them to become an alcoholic as well? I believe it's because the latter chose to not let their feelings tell them what to do. "He who is not master of himself, though he may now be lord of nations, is no more than a slave."- Seneca
If this is a fresh reality, or maybe you knew this to be true but have not governed this dynamic well, here are some tangible practices that can help you.
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Name the feeling: It's important to say I FEEL anxious or I FEEL frustrated. When you say I AM anxious or I AM frustrated, you take it on as an identity which makes it feel uncontrollable.
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Recognize the trigger: When you put effort into recognizing repeating emotional responses it helps you to proactively manage your feelings. If criticism triggers defensiveness recognizing this is step one.
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Practice delayed response: Taking time to respond creates a mental gap, giving your conscious mind a chance to catch up with the feelings towards your emotional reaction. It gives logic room to breathe and the ability to replace how you feel.
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Reframe the story you're telling yourself: Often the emotion that you're experiencing is framed by a previous negative experience. You maybe thinking “They disrespected me” → Try: “Maybe they’re having a tough day.”
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
– Viktor Frankl
Often you're not a victim of circumstance, you're a victim of perspective. Emotional stability may be one of the most valuable skillsets you can possess. The definition of emotional instability is worrying about things you have zero control over. Focus on the "controllables" and let the rest go.
Today's Forced Challenge: I want you to force yourself to control your feelings
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Catch an emotional response - Today try to catch at least one emotional response in the moment and recognize what it's doing to you.
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Practice "feeling delay" - Count to 10 before reacting when upset and bring logic into your response. You get to decide how you feel about that emotion.
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Fast from Social media today - Feeding yourself emotionally raw material for hours a day can increase your emotional triggers. Try it and see how much your attitude changes.
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Practice self-compassion- When you make mistakes or feel inadequate it is common to beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes, take a deep breath and ease up.
True power lies in your ability to choose how you feel. Start today by recognizing what you can control and building the character trait of emotional stability.
"You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger." – Buddha