Win The Person | More Than Before

Win The Person

A couple nights ago my daughter was having quite the attitude at bedtime. To the point where I left her in her bed, with her attitude, and her blanket over her head. As I got in bed with my wife, I mentioned that I wanted my daughter to learn the hard way. If she’s going to have an attitude, then she can go to bed without having someone lay with her for a bit.

My wife came back gently but directly, she didn’t want us operating in a “prove a point” fashion and would rather we talk through it with her. After some back and forth, it ended with me going back into my daughter’s room and having a really productive conversation about managing emotions.

What’s funny though, is that by the time I left for my daughter’s room, my wife and I were now in an argument ourselves… about how to resolve an argument with our daughter. I honestly can’t even remember exactly what caused it to escalate between us. That’s the whole point of this newsletter.

We were actually in agreement.
But in that moment, we couldn’t seem to get on the same page.

This is exactly what happens when difficult interactions arise: It’s not just about what’s being said, it’s about what’s happening inside us as we hear it.

When a conversation gets tense, your pulse quickens, your breathing shortens, your thinking narrows. What’s happening is that your brain is shifting control from your logical mind (Neocortex) to your emotional mind (Amygdala). Your amygdala steps in, doing exactly what it’s designed to do, scan for threat and act fast.

Your amygdala doesn’t care about long-term connection or resolution. It doesn’t care about clarity or truth. It cares about comfort NOW. It wants the discomfort to end as quickly as possible.So it pushes you toward defensiveness, toward “winning,” toward confirmation bias. It pushes you to double down on your position, not because you’re right, but because your emotional brain is hijacking your ability to calmly think.

What’s happening biologically is that your amygdala and neocortex are essentially competing for control. The amygdala reacts first, scanning for threat and flooding your body with stress signals. It’s fast but primitive. Meanwhile, the neocortex (the part of your brain that governs reasoning, empathy, and regulation) works more slowly, processing the situation with nuance.

In a tense moment, your amygdala pushes hard to override your neocortex, narrowing your focus and driving you toward defensiveness or avoidance. If you don’t consciously slow down and interrupt this process, the emotional part of your brain will dominate before your logical mind even has a chance to engage.

Instead of trying to win the argument, try to win the person.

This shift in mindset changes everything. When you aim to win the argument, you engage from a defensive posture. You’re protecting your position. You’re trying to prove your point, to emerge victorious. When you aim to win the person, the goal changes.

Now it’s about relationship, empathy, understanding...even if you disagree.

This is where emotional discipline becomes so important. Managing your own mind and emotions in the heat of the moment is what allows you to stay present. It’s what keeps your neocortex, the part of your brain that thinks clearly, empathizes, and regulates behavior, online when your amygdala is demanding you react.

This isn’t just theory. Research backs it up. A study from UCLA in 2007 found that simply naming your emotions, literally putting words to what you’re feeling, reduces activity in the amygdala and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex. In other words, pausing long enough to acknowledge “I’m feeling defensive” actually calms your emotional brain and re-engages your thinking brain.

Imagine the complexity of all this. Have you ever felt mad at yourself for making an irrational decision? How does that even make sense? It's your amygdala in conflict with your neocortex. It's two parts of your brain fighting for control. Now imagine two people already in disagreement internally, while having a disagreement. No wonder discussions blow up from time to time.

Most difficult interactions aren’t really about the other person. They’re about us...about our ability to manage ourselves when things get hard. When we can regulate our own emotional responses, when we can pause before reacting, when we can choose to win the person rather than the argument, we show up differently.

That night with my daughter and my wife was a reminder: I was in agreement with both of them, but my emotions almost kept me from seeing it. The argument didn’t need to happen. It wasn’t about who was right, it was about who was willing to manage themselves first.

So next time you feel the familiar rise of tension.... pause. Slow it down. Know that, not always, but most often there is a calm, cool, and collected answer right on the other side of our willingness to control our emotions.

People can be hard....but that includes us. If you've had enough emotionally charged conversations you know it's not worth it to have another. The more we practice objectivity and do our best to prioritize the logical aspect of our mental process, the less taxing conversations have to be.

You're not going to get it right every time no matter how hard you try. The most "put together" people you know still have shattered conversations behind closed doors. The best we can do is continue to commit to a better version of us for ourselves and those around us.

You’re not here to win the argument.

You’re here to win the person.

Today’s Forced Challenge: I want you to FORCE yourself to attack at least one of these challenges:

Slow it down: In your next tense conversation, intentionally pause before you respond. Let the silence stretch and give yourself space to think.
Name your emotion: When you feel triggered, name it...out loud if possible. “I feel defensive.” “I feel frustrated.” Watch what happens when you simply acknowledge what’s there.
Anticipate a trigger: Before a conversation that could turn hard, mentally rehearse how you’ll respond. Make a plan to stay grounded.
Reframe in real time: If you feel under attack, consciously shift your perspective. Tell yourself, “This isn’t personal, they’re struggling to communicate something important.”
Practice curiosity: In any disagreement, force yourself to ask at least one genuine question aimed at understanding...not defending. “Can you help me understand what’s hardest about this for you?”

You probably won't be able to instantly exercise all of these challenges in one single stressed conversation, but choose one and practice it. You may still leave thinking that didn't work at all. The reality is, it takes the action of several of these to start to become controlled in difficult conversations.

Maybe that’s the real work: To meet conflict not as a battlefield but as an invitation. To slow down, manage yourself first, and choose curiosity over control. To remember that what feels urgent in the moment often fades, but how you made them feel will remain. Winning the person requires restraint, humility, and empathy...but in the end, it’s the only victory that matters.