How to Win Yourself Over
Have you ever met someone who just has it? That quiet confidence. That calm command of a room. And you wonder....what is that?... and how do I get it? What you’re really sensing isn’t just charisma or confidence. It’s something deeper.
It’s trust. They trust themselves. Their own decisions. Their own follow through. Their own voice. And the gap between where you are and where they are? It’s not talent. It’s not something they were born with. It’s something they built. One rep at a time.
So how do you build it? It's not acquired in some grand decision, not purchased online or learned through a class. It's really done through applying some simple principles in the way you approach life and being diligent in choosing them over comfort...over and over.
Lets take a look at some of these principles:
Excellence:
How you do one thing, is how you do all things.
Live your life long enough, and you’ll start calling certain habits “normal.” Not because they’re excellent...but because they’re familiar. It's a habit for you, but is it healthy for you? You tell yourself, everyone does this, so it must be fine. But is it?
Leaving the house in a rush, dressed like a slob. Snoozing your alarm five times. Not responding to that text. Ignoring the clutter in your car, your desk, your mind.
It doesn’t seem like much. But what starts as convenience becomes complacency. And before long, it’s not just how you handle your mornings...it’s how you show up in your relationships, your work, your health, your future.
Excellence isn’t an event. It’s a pattern.
Tension:
We’ve all had those days where we just unplug. No agenda. No pressure. Just rest. And to be clear, real rest matters. Most people don’t do it well enough. But there’s a difference between recovery and retreat.
At some point, rest becomes routine. The comfort zone stops being a pause and becomes your permanent address. And you start to shrink inside of it.
Here’s the hard truth: the people around you deserve the best version of you. And they’ll never meet that version if it stays buried under convenience, avoidance, and just getting by.
Tension isn’t something to escape, it’s something to embrace. Tension is where transformation begins. It's why I put a challenge at the bottom of every one of these articles. If we're not pushing ourselves we're going backwards.
Honesty:
Without this, the rest doesn’t matter. Yeah yeah, Janek, I know.
Please....don’t brush past this with some quick, assumptive compliance.
“But Janek... I’m honest.”
I believe you.
When it’s easy...
But that’s not even the real test, is it?
Most of us are honest in the middle. We tell the truth when it’s low-stakes but when a small fib might smooth things over or avoid awkward tension, we take it. It feels harmless. Efficient, even. How you do one thing..is how you do all things...
Then come the real tests. This kind of truth could hurt someone. The kind that's heavy. Costly. This is the part we leave out when we claim, “I’m an honest person.”
If telling the truth means disappointing someone, hurting someone deeply, or burning comfort to the ground...we justify the lie. It can seem impossible...but it's not, and you have to ask yourself...who do you want to be? The truth will always find its way, whether you try to slow it down or not.
I’ve failed at both ends of this spectrum. And that’s exactly why I’m writing this. I read a book recently that asked if you could have one anchor sentence that you fall back to as your one defining mantra. The thing people would remember you for. I wrote I want to always tell the truth, even when it hurts.
In the Dark:
If there is one way to destroy your own self-image and trust, it's in a place where there is no audit. When it's between you and you. Whether it's behind closed doors or when you're on your own, the biggest threat to the internal battles you deal with, is the painful result is never in the now. The slow dismantling of who you are takes time to manifest, and the pain is slow to show up.
If you want to win in this realm it's about defining who you are, or more importantly who you refuse to be. The answer is in establishing an identity. When you know who you are, this person will refuse to cross the lines you have defined. Most often we fail to stop bad habits in the name of stopping. Instead, becoming a person who would never do that...this is how you win.
Having accountability is also a huge resource in this journey. Find a close friend you trust has your best interest at heart and would be willing to be there for you when needed. Struggling?...make them your call.
I think one thing to keep in mind is it never really is just you and you. It's you and God. If there is a way to make it through the darkness, it's by bringing in the light.
Finish what you start:
I recently had someone I coach ask me to hold him accountable to a goal he set. He wanted to withhold something he enjoyed until he accomplished his goal. When he struggled to meet his goal over time, he asked my thoughts on lowering the goal.
While the goals were ultimately between him and himself, I'm a straightforward coach, so I told him, "You asked me to hold you accountable, and I’m going to."
Months passed, and he still fell short. He reached out again with the same question, so I sought the opinion of someone I trust for guidance. The advice I gave was this: I don't think adjusting his goal this time is the end of the world. However, it’s important to realize you can only break promises to yourself so many times before you start to feel like a loser. You can only go back on your word with yourself so often before you lose trust in yourself, and that's the beginning of the end.
Trusting your own promises is foundational to winning yourself over, and once this trust is broken repeatedly, it becomes much harder to move forward with confidence. Start small and prove to yourself you can keep your word in the small things, then build it up.
In the end, winning yourself over is a journey, not a destination. These principles are simple, but the consistent application of them over time creates the quiet confidence and trust in yourself others admire. Remember, it’s not about Pius perfection but persistent progression.
Today's Forced Challenge: I want you to FORCE yourself to attack at least one of these challenges
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Excellence Challenge: For the next 30 days, focus on the small things and aim for excellence. Pick up the trash, return the shopping cart, clean your car and so on. Hold yourself accountable to do everything with intentionality and care, even in the small tasks.
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Tension Challenge: For one week, actively seek out moments of discomfort. Whether it’s confronting a difficult conversation, taking on a tough project, or simply saying no to something that’s easy but unproductive...embrace the suck. Reflect on how it pushes you to grow.
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Honesty Challenge: Commit to telling the full truth for 30 days, especially in difficult situations. Don't let a small white lie slide. Instead, practice being truthful, even when it might hurt someone or put you in an uncomfortable position.
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In the Dark Challenge: Identify a habit or behavior you engage in when no one is around that undermines your trust in yourself. For the next month, make a commitment to stop it and define a new, positive habit to replace it. Hold yourself accountable, even when it’s just you and yourself.
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Finish What You Start Challenge: Choose a goal or project you've been putting off and finish it. Set a clear deadline and commit to completing it, no matter what. If you hit obstacles, work through them and don’t lower your expectations. See it through to the end. DON'T QUIT.
Challenge yourself, embrace discomfort, and commit to being the best version of yourself, even when no one’s watching. The trust you build with yourself is the foundation for everything else in life, and it starts with one small step at a time.
"The greatest victory is victory over yourself." – Aristotle