More Than Before: The Art of Conversation

The Art of Conversation

A 2010 study from the University of Arizona pegged the average person at around 47 conversations per day for college students, but that’s a specific demographic, chatty 20-somethings aren’t exactly representative of everyone.

Let's say the average is around 30. While this might be one of the skillsets we use more than anything else, the question is why doesn't everyone practice actually getting better at it?

We start conversations on a whim with no regard as to where they go. In most cases, it's not a big deal, but our trigger happy voice box takes that attitude into conversations we are often not prepared for. The result is those discussions that head south faster than you can snap a finger, but if you proactively practice getting better, you can save yourself from those interactions.

Knowing how to deescalate and navigate conversations like that can be quite a valuable asset when it comes to marriage, parenting, business, friendship, and your job. As I mentioned, it's very much so an overlooked and under developed skill by most.

5 Key tactics to navigate an escalated conversation.

-Define your why. If you can, before the conversation even starts, know your why. What do you want the end result of the conversation to be? No.. not what do you want from the conversation, but what do you want the end result to be. If you're there to win... you've already lost.

-Keep them safe. The key reason someone jumps to "fight or flight" in a conversation is because they don't feel safe. Up to the point of trigger, you have said things that make them feel you're not listening, you don't care, or you're just there to get what you want. Slow down, pause the conversation and reframe. "Step out of the conversation" per se and let them know you care and you're there to find a solution together.

-Practice empathy. If you do not push yourself to see things through the lens of the person you are speaking with it will be difficult to ever connect. Instead of yelling "How could you possibly think that?" Ask yourself in your head "What could bring them to this conclusion?" This approach yields startlingly different results.

-What happens if you don't win? Ask yourself that question. This was a hard one for me but when I really dug into it I would say 75%+ of the conversations I would get in an argument about didn't really matter. Ask yourself that question, "If I don't win this argument, what do I lose?". Chances are, not much.

-Win the person, instead of trying to win the argument. You will become not only one of the best conversationalist but probably one of the most popular people around if you focus on winning over the person, instead of winning the argument.

In addition to these tactics, something to reflect on, is the fact that many things seem out of your reach in life are actually on the other side of difficult conversations. It could be a raise or a new job. A new love interest or a healthier marriage. A rekindled friendship or a new friend.

Beyond just the difficult conversations there is something to be said about the common trend of communication today. The more we are on our phones, social media, email and the like, the simpler our communication style is becoming. Everything is in bullet points and we have begun to expect our conversations to go this way. People are shorter with each other and it's causing our conversations to become more shallow.

I would encourage you to fight this trend. Deep conversations are the life blood to healthy relationships. Don't settle on the path the world is heading down but proactively seek out and cultivate deep meaningful conversations.

If your daughter tells you about a unicorn being her favorite animal, ask her why that is. What does she like about it? What about it makes her happy?

When you get in bed with your spouse at night don't just get on your phone and scroll. Don't just ask questions like "How was your day?" Take it deep with questions like "What are you excited about right now? What is weighing on your heart? And is there anything I can do to help?"

As you sharpen your conversational skillset you will find specific phrases that you can always come back to that will help deepen your conversations as well.

Favorite phrases:

This is what I'm hearing. Is that what you're saying?

Can you help me understand?

Unpack what you just said for me.

If someone says "I don't know." Respond: "What would it be if you did know?"

Challenge yourself to sharpen this skillset. Don't just assume because you talk all day you're becoming a better conversationalist. Become an ACTIVE listener. You learn so much when you listen, and nothing when you talk.

Today’s Forced Challenge: I want you to FORCE yourself to attack at least one of these challenges:

Know Your Why: Before your next important conversation, define what you want the end result to be. What’s your why?
Create Safety: Think back to your last tense conversation. Did the other person feel safe, or did they feel dismissed?
Release the Win: Ask yourself, what really happens if you don’t “win” this argument? Is it worth the fight?
Practice Empathy: Instead of questioning someone’s logic, can you ask yourself, “What could bring them to this conclusion?”
Measure the Depth: If the health of your relationships was measured only by the depth of your conversations, how strong would they be?

Becoming a better communicator isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. Every conversation, especially the difficult ones, is an opportunity to learn and grow.

With a mindful approach, we can turn even the most challenging interactions into chances to connect, understand, and build stronger relationships. Keep refining your skills, and the impact on your personal and professional life will be immeasurable."

"Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity."

-Proverbs 21:23